Guilty as Charged

How about certain moments of our life which makes itself very memorable due to certain of our lies, misdeeds ….yes I am talking about the darker side of an individual, the so called ‘grey shades’ of a person. It may or may not be as serious as to be called a “crime” which ends somebody in jail but it may or may not be as casual also as not be called a “crime” because after all it was intentional.

My sister was born when I was exactly eight years and seven months. So my reign ended, not that I was a victim of “sibling rivalry” but sometimes I just felt plain happiness in scaring her. When she was around four or five, I used to take her to our beloved Gymkhana ground; this is our desi “Eden Garden”. Those days it was covered with tall grasses and for a four year old it used to reach till her chest. I basically used to take her for a small play so that she can run around and get some open fresh air. Of course I used to play with her but in between I used to leave her in the middle of the grass and hide myself far away. After three to four minutes she used to get really scared standing alone and the moment her face got distorted into a big cry, I used to emerge and I played this several times in one outing and simply loved her scared expressions. Ive told her this; I mean after she grew up but haven’t told my mother yet. 

This incident happened in Shanta mam’s class when I was in fourth standard. I was really quite a dumb girl in my primary classes. I was a below average student and not into sports or any extracurricular activities and also very silent. Once when we were reading through our lesson “The Tajmahal”, our teacher suddenly asked us “Who all have seen The Tajmahal?” I knew Tajmahal was somewhere in Delhi and it was one of the wonders of the world and that was it. Till today I don’t understand what had gotten into me that I stood up with seven others of my class. I lied that I had seen “Tajmahal” and the whole universe were a witness to it. I was so affected by this lie of mine that whenever any conversation between any friends had “Tajmahal” in it, I used to go numb fearing that someone would point out just now “Hey Shaima, you had been to it, how many front doors are there” or “how many minars are there” . This lie of mine actually became a nightmare for me and I was living with this until finally one day my would be husband to impress her would be wife asked “Where do you want to go for honeymoon?” No guesses for the correct answer. As I stood in front of the Tajmahal along with my husband, I was all smiles as I was finally getting relieved from this lie. 

I hated bathing when I was young. I lie again; okay I still hate to take bathe so I skip the Sundays. During those lazy childhood days whenever I felt like not having bath, I used to throw mugs of water inside the bathroom pretending as if I am taking bath to my mother who used to be in the next door kitchen. I just used to wash my face and hands and come out. I very recently told her this and she gave me very dirty look. Well I deserved it. 

Our favorite pastime during my childhood days was going to “Marina Park”, this park has been the sole companion of all the children here in Andamans especially kids born in the 70s and 80s (until of course “Gandhi Park” came into picture). Those days Marina Park was like a huge gorgeous garden with flowers of beautiful colors and varieties adorning the entire place. It was such a splendid sight entering into the park and taking in the beauty. And not forgetting to mention the ’maalis’ who might have really done such a task of decorating and maintaining the entire place. And yes “nobody was allowed to pluck any flowers”. Okay, so once I had gone like the normal evening-outs with my friend Hema and Devamma( she was my mom’s helper) to the park and were playing in the swing. Later as we were roaming in the garden, I very carefully plucked a beautiful huge (yes it was...) hibiscus flower and put it in my jeans pocket. Then after much playing as we proceeded back to home, a maali blocked our way and asked us “u guys are plucking flowers, isn’t it?” I was shocked but tried to keep the expression away from my face and boldly answered back to him(You see, among Hema who was three years younger to me and Devamma, I was the smartest) “ what are u saying, we were just playing”. Within a snap he came forward and pulled out the hibiscus flower from my jeans pocket which I was hiding securely (well I was a kid) and asked “What is this, then?” I was dumbstruck, in fact we all were. Saying this he scolded us and left. I was embarrassed to the core and we all ran from there. Needless to say, I did not visit Marina Park for so many months after that. Very unfortunately Tsunami destroyed the entire park and they had it rebuilt but nothing close to what we had experienced in terms of the garden.

I think this happened in class seven, this incident doesn’t exactly fall into this category but come on, it is my blog, I can write whatever I want, wherever I want, isn’t it? As I said, I was a dumb girl in my childhood days (I stress this every time coz I became a real bookworm in my Senior Secondary and very very vocal during my college days). Quite obvious, I was not the first ten choices for any girl’s friend options. I had limited friends and I was happy among them. There was a girl “Devarchana” and she used to be the hot favorite among all and I don’t remember exactly but we had some serious conflicts those days. She was hosting a big party and those days having a party only for the friends was not even luxury, it was considered to be a phenomenon. Everybody was busy talking about the party venue, dress what one is going to wear and I again had a silly fight with her. In front of my entire friend circle, she shouted at me and asked me “You don’t like me, isn’t it?” It was a moment of decision, the party, food, fun, friends were dancing in front of me and I blurted out at the top of my voice ” I hate u, I hate u” ( Yes, you got it right, I said that twice). I think only seven of us including both the sections did not make to her precious party list. Rest as we all say, Que sera sera.

This incident occurred in Axis Bank. One of my so called friend’s (wait when you read what I did) birthday was there and I was very much aware of it. Now the custom of Axis Bank was this that we all celebrated every employee’s birthday (some definitely got missed due to it falling on holidays or some new entrants whom we never bothered and some rare forgotten cases). I was so pissed from her behavior in the bank that I did not wish her and did not remind others also so that nobody wishes her on her big day. That day somehow passed and quite obviously, she was so depressed. Things took a turn when early next morning my boss called me and told me that we had skipped her birthday and we need to makeup that mistake so I was give the charge of celebrating it. I couldn’t believe it but still I did not lose hope. I went to the market to get a gift and selected the worst possible necklace for her (tacky and cheapo type). The look on her face when she opened her gift…..PRICELESS.

I could think only of these as of now but I would definitely add the wicked side of me more.

THE BOOK 2013 THAT WAS.....

                        

          

The year 2013 had been like "kabhie Khushi kabhi gham" film for me. This number 13 had been worst at certain moments and also had been my truest best in some. Though all the years and all the months in my life have been eventful for me ( what more events u require from a woman who was a relationship manager at a pvt bank in India and to top it, a mother of hyperactive twins), this year had touched an emotional chord each time and I feel the chapters of life in 2013 had taught me much much more than the rest of the book put together .The chapters are in random order.
                                       It was October 3 and my mother had complained of a slight pain at her back a day earlier. I was taking Faris to hospital that day and I rushed to be with her ( I normally accompany her to the clinic visits) at Maricars. She was not looking good, she was unable to sit and unable to talk because of the immense pain. Later the pain had become so worse that she was falling onto me unable to stand by herself , let alone walk. Dr Maricar told me she was undergoing a multiple organ failure . This kept ringing in my ear. We got her admitted in ICU , her sugar was 590 ( Anshads mother had told me that she had lost her mother in law to a cardiac arrest at 550 sugar level). Dr Omkar told me that he doubted my mother will be able to make it through the night. I wept , my sister consoled me and Tabraiz told me to have faith . The next 5 days my mother did not talk, she blabbered, she passed urine in a pan, her teeth were unbrushed, her hair was uncombed which went to a total irreversible messed state, her cloth was not changed, she went totally disoriented, she did not eat , she drank in little sips, she was not able to sit. During these 5 days I became oblivious to hunger, sleep, pain. All I wanted was my mothers life . I can recall that all I could manage to have was a glass of milk every day coz I no longer felt hunger. I saw death very closely, I felt it . This was the worst chapter of the entire book and there was no escape, I had to read it and live it.
                                      My mother spoke to me properly on 8th October . I asked her " kiska mummy hai" she said " tumhara aur kiska, kyun poonchtin ?" It was the most blessed moment and this cannot be forgotten ever. Later my sister,father and Tabraiz took her to Chennai and Alhamdullilah she became much better. Now I try to cherish each moment spent with her. She has been my mentor, my idol, my friend, my mother. Today though I know she is not well , she can never be like before but she is with us and that's what makes this chapter the happiest and special from all others.
                                      March 31,2013 I bid adieu to my eight year old job from Axis Bank, Portblair branch. My stint at Axis Bank came to an end, I took a child care leave only to resign later. I was leaving a job which was giving me a take home salary of Rs 58000/- . My decision were based on two main factors .The first and foremost was because of my kids who were getting severely neglected coz of my coming home at 8:00 pm. The second was that I became too exhausted by the work pressure and the same monotonous job of selling bank products. Axis Bank had taught me to walk confidently, to talk smartly and I had come to know of certain qualities within me that I never knew existed. Since April 2013 I was as free as I could be, I was the happiest with my kids. They loved my being at home with them. The twinkle in their eyes when they returned from school made me flutter. I am trying to become a mother like my mother had been. It is impossible but if I reach atleast 50% of how she was with us, I'll still be happy. But there was a flip side to it, after being financially independent for almost 12 years , I suddenly felt awkward to use my husbands account for my very personal expenses like a costly facial, an unwanted shoe, a not required expensive dress, small gifts for my friends.Now I strongly feel the need to earn money, to be financially independent once again but definitely not at the cost of my children's time. This chapter still leaves me puzzled, I am yet to understand the conflict of time/money/love/relations but still I am happy that love won at the end.
                                  The most entertaining chapter was my first international trip to Malaysia and Thailand in May. Oh I loved it. I enjoyed every bit of the 15 day trip. Also for the first time we were handling our little monsters all by ourselves ( normally we also take a maid along with us). It was so much fun and they did not trouble us that much.
                                 August 2013, I weighed 85 kgs and my self esteem weighed much more. A friend of mine introduced me to an aerobics class which had very recently started. I enrolled in it and the pretty instructor was full of advices and much more she encouraged us, motivated us. There were too many instances in my life when I was put down or laughed at coz of my size. I feel I respond equally to 'moti' as I respond to 'Shaima'. I stopped telling people that I used to be slim once because that seemed decades back to me. I decided to give my weight loss programme one more chance. My fear of Type 2 Diabetes also was forcing me to become fit .So I started eating healthy, no I did not diet, I ate what was required and that was healthy. Today on 1st January, 2014 I weigh 76 kgs, yes I am not slim but I managed to reduce 9 kgs. My self esteem is much better. I have started wearing jeans and for the first time I went to the dance floor in the New year eve. This chapter taught me " If you think , you can or you can't .whatever ..YOU ARE RIGHT."
                                      How it is to lose a very good friend in a way that u don't want to see or hear from the friend any more. This chapter was the biggest teacher . Never trust someone too much that you divulge all your information about yourself . If it is not your parents or husband or kids then its always your happiness that should come first . 

                                          My sister was here for her holidays recently and she said a sau taka ki baat . She said " Shamim ki beti ban kar jiyo ,aap bahut aage jayegi". This was a statement which meant a thousand things. So I dont have any specific new year plans because i feel HE is the only one who will make plans but yes this year I want to be M A Shamim's daughter more than anything else.